Hold on, don't be scared, you'll never change what's been and gone.
You've given up, I see that
But listen, to the song from deep within my heart,
It's always darkest just before the dawn
Do you trust me?
Let me in, break the barrier of stone that lies between us
I'll be your angel, and take away your pain, and bury your past
Take my hand, don't be afraid, my sun,
Come with me, into the trees, I'll breathe my breath in you,
we'll take these memories that are haunting you,
and burn them to the ground-
Just please, my sun, let me in
Your mind is sinking
Your faith is a loaded gun
The hope you had is fading, and you're ever so alone
You are a tourist in the town you were born in
Misunderstood, dazed and confused,
Will these locks ever be broken?
Come on, wipe away those tears
And I will shatter the locks like broken glass
Let me in, my sun, and I will show you the light
and bring you to life
You don't have to be afraid
Because you will be ever safe and sound, in my arms
This world will chill you to the bone,
But in my arms, you will always be warm
Just please, my love, let me in
Let me in.
Monday, April 30, 2012
Saturday, March 10, 2012
Titles are for douchebags.
I am in such an explosive mood right now. I'm mad at the whole world, and I don't really even have a reason. I just wanted to scream, "FUCK YOU!" to every motherfucker who crossed my path today, whether they actually meant me any harm or not. Bitchy customers at work, the people in front of me driving their cars 15 below the speed limit, the world, my life...everyone and everything. I was so edgy today because everything was falling apart, at home, then of course at work. I'll give you a blow-by-blow replay of my disasterous day for those of you still reading this.
I woke up anxious from another nightmare I had, which lead to me having a steady panic attack throughout the entire day, even after I took my Lorazapam. Hair- wouldn't do shit. just gave up and permanently damaged my head from all the little clips and bobby pins i stuck in it. Face- I looked like a bag of smashed assholes. which is intensified by glasses (my contacks expired and i don't get my new ones til tuesday.) Made the mistake of putting mascara on, and for the rest of the day had to deal with this excruciating eyeache from my eye lashes smushing up against my glasses. my car had a fucking seizure every time I opened the door or tried to turn on the engine or do anything, and the god-aweful racket it made from the alarm going off every time practically woke the dead, and i'm pretty sure everyone and their pets could hear it, even those born without ears. I was too befuzzled to even care that my car was sick, and too pissed off to do anything about it, so my mom opted for me to just take her car. I was already running late. I arrive at work on the dot to find out that my shift actually starts at 4:30 and not 4 so I did all that rushing for nothing. By this time I'm in such a state of anxiety and anger that I can barely see straight or concentrate. It seemed like every customer had a problem with me, and they were all so annoying I wanted to blow my brains out from listening to them whine and bitch and complain about everything. I mean like, people come into W and ask me all these freakin random questions like how much is this do you carry this product where exactly is it do you have any more of this crap on the shelf? Like I am some freakin machine. and they get all snippy if I don't know the answer right away or have to look in one of the sales books or call a manager. uh sorry, i don't have a freaking walgreens chip stored inside of me like all of you seem to think. Wtf is up with people on saturday nights anyway? They are fine every other day of the week but on saturday (right at closing time too of course) it's like freakin madness. My lunch break was delayed an extra hour and a half and by the time I went on break I was shaken and disraught. I think I might be like hypoglycemic or something bc if I don't have sugar in me, I can't function. at all. I cried and cried and cried as soon as I was out of the public eye. Right at closing time was when I really started hyperventilating. Every customer was angry about something that was out of my control. And by the end of the night there is hardly nothing in my drawer, and this moron makes me break a 100 dollar bill, 5 minutes before we close, and she only spent 6 bucks. Why?? I wouldn't care if A. we weren't about to close B. I had money in the drawer C. there wasn't about a bazillion people waiting for something else. I mean, couldn't you have just went to the gas station next door, being as we were about to be closed? If not, could you not have waited until tomorrow to get your fucking cigarettes?! Geez.
I could go on and on forever about the ignorance and selfishness of people, but I think I'll stop here. I'm sure there is enough swearing in this post to fill an entire jar anyway, I might as well just write a check to my parents and the general public and whoever else is reading this that might take offense, right now. I normally like to keep my social networks rated G or maybe PG, because you never know who will come across one of your random posts that has the F word in it and freak out. But I figured, this is my blog, my life. My personal feelings. If you don't like what I have to stay, then why the fuck are you still reading this? Thanks, Traci.
Oh btw, I'll probably regret all of this tomorrow, but right now, i'm too riled up to care.
I woke up anxious from another nightmare I had, which lead to me having a steady panic attack throughout the entire day, even after I took my Lorazapam. Hair- wouldn't do shit. just gave up and permanently damaged my head from all the little clips and bobby pins i stuck in it. Face- I looked like a bag of smashed assholes. which is intensified by glasses (my contacks expired and i don't get my new ones til tuesday.) Made the mistake of putting mascara on, and for the rest of the day had to deal with this excruciating eyeache from my eye lashes smushing up against my glasses. my car had a fucking seizure every time I opened the door or tried to turn on the engine or do anything, and the god-aweful racket it made from the alarm going off every time practically woke the dead, and i'm pretty sure everyone and their pets could hear it, even those born without ears. I was too befuzzled to even care that my car was sick, and too pissed off to do anything about it, so my mom opted for me to just take her car. I was already running late. I arrive at work on the dot to find out that my shift actually starts at 4:30 and not 4 so I did all that rushing for nothing. By this time I'm in such a state of anxiety and anger that I can barely see straight or concentrate. It seemed like every customer had a problem with me, and they were all so annoying I wanted to blow my brains out from listening to them whine and bitch and complain about everything. I mean like, people come into W and ask me all these freakin random questions like how much is this do you carry this product where exactly is it do you have any more of this crap on the shelf? Like I am some freakin machine. and they get all snippy if I don't know the answer right away or have to look in one of the sales books or call a manager. uh sorry, i don't have a freaking walgreens chip stored inside of me like all of you seem to think. Wtf is up with people on saturday nights anyway? They are fine every other day of the week but on saturday (right at closing time too of course) it's like freakin madness. My lunch break was delayed an extra hour and a half and by the time I went on break I was shaken and disraught. I think I might be like hypoglycemic or something bc if I don't have sugar in me, I can't function. at all. I cried and cried and cried as soon as I was out of the public eye. Right at closing time was when I really started hyperventilating. Every customer was angry about something that was out of my control. And by the end of the night there is hardly nothing in my drawer, and this moron makes me break a 100 dollar bill, 5 minutes before we close, and she only spent 6 bucks. Why?? I wouldn't care if A. we weren't about to close B. I had money in the drawer C. there wasn't about a bazillion people waiting for something else. I mean, couldn't you have just went to the gas station next door, being as we were about to be closed? If not, could you not have waited until tomorrow to get your fucking cigarettes?! Geez.
I could go on and on forever about the ignorance and selfishness of people, but I think I'll stop here. I'm sure there is enough swearing in this post to fill an entire jar anyway, I might as well just write a check to my parents and the general public and whoever else is reading this that might take offense, right now. I normally like to keep my social networks rated G or maybe PG, because you never know who will come across one of your random posts that has the F word in it and freak out. But I figured, this is my blog, my life. My personal feelings. If you don't like what I have to stay, then why the fuck are you still reading this? Thanks, Traci.
Oh btw, I'll probably regret all of this tomorrow, but right now, i'm too riled up to care.
Friday, February 17, 2012
I capture the light
I wish I could capture every smile, every crinkle of laughter, every moment of warmth, and bottle it all up to revive me on days where the gloom is endless. I'm sure if my memory were better, I would be doing that a lot...because although there are large amounts of gloom, there is still more light, and still more great times to be had. Sometimes we focus more on the darkness and it obscures are perspective of life. I could fill oceans with all of my tear drops, but I could also fill the sky with millions of stars, which represent the light, every laugh, smile, glimmer of hope; the shimmering light of the stars.
Monday, January 30, 2012
How do you make yourself happy? 10 things I like about me
Therapy is both rewarding and at times can be hard, because it opens your eyes to things that normally you would overlook. Little things. Which are, in all actuality, big things, like happiness. When you are talking to a therapist that you have come to know well (or technically they have come to know you well), you feel more comfortable confiding to them those "little things." And after seeing this therapist for almost 2 years, it was so relieving to tell her for once that I am completely without a doubt no questions asked happy. After the hell I've been through, telling her I'm happy released an energey that I never knew I had. And she was just as ecstatic as I was about my newfound happiness, but- as a therapist, she had to ask me questions. Why? What is it that makes you happy? I eagerly told her that everything in my life had reached an ultimate high: I was having no trouble with my meds, a steady job, and of course, the love of my life (which I told her was the main source of my newfound euphoria.)
Having told her this, she stops scribbling on her pad for a minute and looks up at me with curiosity. I explained to her my heartbreak story, and then how the boy of my dreams swept me off my feet and sent me into an ultimate heaven. What she told me though was interesting, and I have been thinking about it constantly ever since my visit with her. She said that of course, she is thrilled to pieces that I have finally found love, an inner peace, and most importantly, happiness, but there is always a catch. Giving someone so much power over you can (but not always will) lead to devastation. When you hold someone or something responsible for all of your happiness, if you ever lost them, that happiness would be gone. Which makes a lot of sense actually. She said that she isn't trying to say that me and Eric will break up, not at all. But that being happy just for that reason is unhealthy. She let that sink in a little as I contemplated. She then proceeds to ask me the question that is still lingering in my mind at this very moment, how do you make yourself happy?
Being grounded and secure is the ultimate foundation for happiness, next to love. Without that confidence, your happiness will be up and down. She gave me an assignment for our next visit. Write about 10 ways I make myself happy, instead of things that make me happy. Well, here goes nothin'.
1. My ability to reach out to others and try to help them. Really comes in handy when I'm at work. All people need is a little compassion and care to brighten their day, sometimes all it takes is a smile :-)
2. Come on ladies- we have to admit that we love the way we look. People like people who like themselves. It took me forever, but I finally got around to stop complaining about how short or too skinny I was, God made me this way, and I've grown to work with my shortcomings (lol)and eventually I came to find that I am unique, made in His image, and that alone is beautiful.
3. Not everyone agrees with or understands my sense of humor, but I love it! A quick wit can get you out of just about any situation ;)
4. God has graced me with delicate hands and an ear for music. I taught myself to play the piano when I was 14, and suffered through lessons but eventually let my sharp ear for music do the work, and now can learn just about any song just from hearing it once. Pssh, who needs sheet music?
5. I believe that my best physical quality is my eyes. Sometimes they annoy me, but they sparkle like a deep ocean if you look in the right light.
6. Morality- it's something that is rare to find in most girls my age.
7. I love being able to express myself with my writing, and sometimes my artwork, or even my makeup :-P
8. I am a walking disaster- but I find that we learn from our mistakes, so every time I make one (like faceplanting in a public area, which I do almost on a daily basis) I get up and keep going.
9. Finding strength in my weaknesses. Telling myself that I am not pathetic...I am not pathetic.
10. Ambition- I consider myself smart, (definitely more so than others) and don't let the ignorance of others bring me down. Knowledge is power.
You is smaaart. You is kiiiiind. You is impo'tant. Never stop believing in yourself, because self confidence is the foundation for true happiness.
Having told her this, she stops scribbling on her pad for a minute and looks up at me with curiosity. I explained to her my heartbreak story, and then how the boy of my dreams swept me off my feet and sent me into an ultimate heaven. What she told me though was interesting, and I have been thinking about it constantly ever since my visit with her. She said that of course, she is thrilled to pieces that I have finally found love, an inner peace, and most importantly, happiness, but there is always a catch. Giving someone so much power over you can (but not always will) lead to devastation. When you hold someone or something responsible for all of your happiness, if you ever lost them, that happiness would be gone. Which makes a lot of sense actually. She said that she isn't trying to say that me and Eric will break up, not at all. But that being happy just for that reason is unhealthy. She let that sink in a little as I contemplated. She then proceeds to ask me the question that is still lingering in my mind at this very moment, how do you make yourself happy?
Being grounded and secure is the ultimate foundation for happiness, next to love. Without that confidence, your happiness will be up and down. She gave me an assignment for our next visit. Write about 10 ways I make myself happy, instead of things that make me happy. Well, here goes nothin'.
1. My ability to reach out to others and try to help them. Really comes in handy when I'm at work. All people need is a little compassion and care to brighten their day, sometimes all it takes is a smile :-)
2. Come on ladies- we have to admit that we love the way we look. People like people who like themselves. It took me forever, but I finally got around to stop complaining about how short or too skinny I was, God made me this way, and I've grown to work with my shortcomings (lol)and eventually I came to find that I am unique, made in His image, and that alone is beautiful.
3. Not everyone agrees with or understands my sense of humor, but I love it! A quick wit can get you out of just about any situation ;)
4. God has graced me with delicate hands and an ear for music. I taught myself to play the piano when I was 14, and suffered through lessons but eventually let my sharp ear for music do the work, and now can learn just about any song just from hearing it once. Pssh, who needs sheet music?
5. I believe that my best physical quality is my eyes. Sometimes they annoy me, but they sparkle like a deep ocean if you look in the right light.
6. Morality- it's something that is rare to find in most girls my age.
7. I love being able to express myself with my writing, and sometimes my artwork, or even my makeup :-P
8. I am a walking disaster- but I find that we learn from our mistakes, so every time I make one (like faceplanting in a public area, which I do almost on a daily basis) I get up and keep going.
9. Finding strength in my weaknesses. Telling myself that I am not pathetic...I am not pathetic.
10. Ambition- I consider myself smart, (definitely more so than others) and don't let the ignorance of others bring me down. Knowledge is power.
You is smaaart. You is kiiiiind. You is impo'tant. Never stop believing in yourself, because self confidence is the foundation for true happiness.
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Some curious ramblings for thought
Cha so have I ever mentioned before that I am the biggest procrastinator ever? well, in case i havn't, you (ALL) should know that instead of taking my night meds, changing my sheets & putting the old ones on the wash, getting my midnight fatty snack along with getting ready for bed, I am here. blogging about how I never get things done. Pathetic much? I think so...o.O
Anyway, it's been practically a year(!) since i've posted anything good, and i'm thinking that now would be a rather splendid time as any for an update on life as I know it. 2012 has brought me nothing but joy and good wishes, and since that never happens to me ever, i'm sort of waiting for my little dream cloud to pop and for reality to actually sink in, but it hasn't. and I don't want it to. Because for the first time in my life (or since before my wacky teen years) I am happy. Happiness all around, from every angle, no strings attatched and no dark spots lingering where the sunshine hasn't hit yet. I am irrevocably happy. SO HAPPY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I have come a long way, and the new year has definitely unearthed the better side of me, the woman I knew was inside of me all along but afraid to break out because of all the noise. With my acne gone, tickets and community service paid off and behind me, and a man that has promised to be true to me and will be by my side forever, I can easily say that yes, I am happy. I no longer feel the need to take my knife and etch dark poetry into my skin. The blood, sweat and tears of my past is finally just that- in the past. The darkness is over. Hopefully for good.
These passed few months have been crazy....I thought the pain was never going to cease. The lies, tortuous times of pleasure, and of course heartache, with the added stress of school, work, and being a fugitive of the law, havn't exactly been a piece of cake. Especially when you thought you found someone who truly cared, but ended up just being a package of lies and just hurting you in the end (my jennifer aniston luck.) but he is completely erased from my life now. Though he hurt me, i can honestly say that i learned something from him: trust no one. some people will take advantage of you, and lie. Unfortunately i was a victum of both those things, but it is done and over with now. I wish him a happy life for him and whomever else he wants to devastate with his lies. lol, nah really.
Sidetracked again. poop. What i was trying to say, is that what I was truly looking for the whole time was right in front of my face. Maybe not up for grabs the entire time, but definitely in front of me. My best friend. The only person who really knows the real me and accepts all of me for who i am. He's been in my life for about 2 years, but it feels so much longer. I never thought that I would meet someone and instantly fall in love with him. Never really believed in love at first sight until I met him. He changed my life for the good and i'm so glad for that. "Destiny" and "true love" always sounds hokey when your my age and even more so when you're blogging about it all gaga and love-crazed, but it's the truth. Whether you have faith in me, or not :) I found the man I'm going to spend the rest of my life with, and I could not be any happier! If I beome any happier I believe I would explode and shower my happiness all over the world!!
Til next time,
-No Longer a Train Wreck
Anyway, it's been practically a year(!) since i've posted anything good, and i'm thinking that now would be a rather splendid time as any for an update on life as I know it. 2012 has brought me nothing but joy and good wishes, and since that never happens to me ever, i'm sort of waiting for my little dream cloud to pop and for reality to actually sink in, but it hasn't. and I don't want it to. Because for the first time in my life (or since before my wacky teen years) I am happy. Happiness all around, from every angle, no strings attatched and no dark spots lingering where the sunshine hasn't hit yet. I am irrevocably happy. SO HAPPY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I have come a long way, and the new year has definitely unearthed the better side of me, the woman I knew was inside of me all along but afraid to break out because of all the noise. With my acne gone, tickets and community service paid off and behind me, and a man that has promised to be true to me and will be by my side forever, I can easily say that yes, I am happy. I no longer feel the need to take my knife and etch dark poetry into my skin. The blood, sweat and tears of my past is finally just that- in the past. The darkness is over. Hopefully for good.
These passed few months have been crazy....I thought the pain was never going to cease. The lies, tortuous times of pleasure, and of course heartache, with the added stress of school, work, and being a fugitive of the law, havn't exactly been a piece of cake. Especially when you thought you found someone who truly cared, but ended up just being a package of lies and just hurting you in the end (my jennifer aniston luck.) but he is completely erased from my life now. Though he hurt me, i can honestly say that i learned something from him: trust no one. some people will take advantage of you, and lie. Unfortunately i was a victum of both those things, but it is done and over with now. I wish him a happy life for him and whomever else he wants to devastate with his lies. lol, nah really.
Sidetracked again. poop. What i was trying to say, is that what I was truly looking for the whole time was right in front of my face. Maybe not up for grabs the entire time, but definitely in front of me. My best friend. The only person who really knows the real me and accepts all of me for who i am. He's been in my life for about 2 years, but it feels so much longer. I never thought that I would meet someone and instantly fall in love with him. Never really believed in love at first sight until I met him. He changed my life for the good and i'm so glad for that. "Destiny" and "true love" always sounds hokey when your my age and even more so when you're blogging about it all gaga and love-crazed, but it's the truth. Whether you have faith in me, or not :) I found the man I'm going to spend the rest of my life with, and I could not be any happier! If I beome any happier I believe I would explode and shower my happiness all over the world!!
Til next time,
-No Longer a Train Wreck
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
God's gonna cut you down
Here is the essay I wrote to judge Michael Davis on the importance of safe driving:
The Importance of Defensive Driving
My name is Traci Cooper, and a few months ago my life was altered dramatically, spinning into an entirely new and scary orbit, thanks to the car accident I was in. Here is my shockingly accurate testimony of the car wreck I was in and how it affected me physically, emotionally, and financially.
I found myself standing in the middle of the night stricken, baffled, confused; head pounding, chest feeling crushed with anxiety, and terrified…I used to think that car accidents only happened to other people. So I guess that is why I felt comfortable pulling out in front of a car going 65 in a 45 mph speed zone. But I didn’t see him, not at first. It was dark, and there was a hill, and he didn’t seem to be going that fast. I took a chance, and suffered the consequences; putting others’ lives at risk including my own, and I was lucky that I walked away fine, minus the trauma.
Innocent, carefree adolescent laughter, and then…BAM. The sound of a horn burns into my ears as tires screech on rubber, and the jolt of the impact sends my senses flying as the other car crashes into my newly inherited Toyota Cobalt, completely totaling the backside. My friends’ screams pierces the air as we are suddenly cajoled off the road and spiraling out of control, heading straight for a pole, a fence, and a nearby auto-parts building. My mind freezes as I rush to remember the steps of what you’re supposed to do when your car is swerving out of control. I instinctively punch the break as hard as I can and jerk the steering wheel in the direction of the skid, missing the obstacles by a few mere feet. In the process, Starbucks coffee is splattered upon every surface and I hit my head on something. The next thing I remember is the silence that followed. I thought I was going to die; that I was experiencing my last precious seconds on earth. In two seconds, a million different voices were swirling in my head: “Is this it? Will death be very painful? Is my friend ok? Oh my God. Parents…Are going…To kill me…” Typical thought process of a teenager during her first wreck.
Needless to say, I am very much alive, thank God. I got lucky. There are so many out there who weren’t as fortunate as I was. But that’s how I ended up standing stricken on the side of the road, covered in tears and ant bites, my face itchy and stained black by streaks of makeup. My head pounded as I stared blankly at the kaleidoscope of bright blue and red flashing lights, puncturing the endless darkness. Sirens cried in the distance, followed by a swarm of wrecker trucks with their flashing yellow lights. The rubberneckers slowed down to check out the action that was holding up the traffic. Who knew it would be me they were gawking at?
The whole ordeal was traumatizing in itself. And though my head was only a little sore, I was sent to the minor emergency room for a peace of mind. I was shaken to the core and on the verge of yet another breakdown (I had a few during the police investigations). The hospital was comforting. It was about two in the morning by the time I was actually admitted and I was so tired I couldn’t see straight. I never imagined that I would be strapped to a gurney with a view of the bright hospital ceiling in motion, en route to get a cat scan and an EKG test done. It was just like in the movies, but so much more horrifying because it was reality. This was actually happening.
I was in the hospital for hours undergoing a series of different tests, being poked and prodded and asked about my entire life story from what medications I’m currently taking to my religious preferences. Eventually they confirmed that I did not have a concussion and gave me Hydrocodone and Motrin for the pain in my body.
What do you do in this situation? How does one handle three tickets, a totaled car that your parents had just entrusted to you upon getting one for their own, financial instability following the accident, with the added stress of the possibility that the man who hit us might press charges against me? As an eighteen year old, I felt like the entire world was sitting on my shoulders.
Months have passed since then, and the events following the accident have shaped me into a different kind of person. I have learned about perseverance. The twenty hours of community service I was sentenced with has taught me that hard work really does pay off. Secondly, I have learned that the little things we do like speeding can have inevitable consequences. Sometimes all it takes is a good kick in the teeth (or in my case, a car accident,)to fully understand the enormity of what we consider to be “little things,” and that they can be seriously dire. My message to people -of all ages- who are out there on the road driving, recklessly or not, is this: do not take driving for granted. It can happen to anybody. Always drive safely and be courteous to others on the road. You never know when God is going to cut you down.
Monday, December 12, 2011
Leave out all the rest
Here's an actual update that i'm actually writing, without all the cheesy metaphors :-P Below is a draft of my latest creation, edited and revised in class for a creative writing assignment. Needs a little more work, but tell me what ya think so far.
Anyway...I have been up and down lately. Life is always giving me the shit end of the stick, and it got to the point where I wanted to start my own knife collection (and still do sorta) which isn't really a bad thing, just a little different, even for me. It's alright to have a fascination with knives and fire, but once you start playing with them, the consequences could be dire. especially given how ridiculously clumsy i am.
The Darkest Burning Star (revised)
On this cold evening, my heart burns like the sun
Under the blue velvet gaze of the stars, nothing else matters
Love becomes hate
And truth becomes lies
My mind is upside down, dazed and confused
One night will burn forever between us, but there is more...
The sharp knife of forbidden love is potent in the air
For I will always be the shadow and the smoke in your eyes,
The one who lingers blindly in the middle
The dark mistress that comes between you and your love
I am the ghost between you and her
I want to snatch you like a thief in the night,
But I will forever be your darkest burning star, faulted and alone.
Where were you when I cried?
My sobs waking the darkness, piercing the silence
My body in endless whimpers
Where were you when I screamed?
My piercing sounds echoing from the thorny maze of tree branches
The deadly cry of my repentance, my sorrow, my mercy
Where were you when I bled?
The crimson rivers flowing from my deepest wounds
From every pore a drop of blood
Your love, your lies, sharper than a double edged sword
Leaving my heart in bloody shreds
Where were you when I died?
The moment my heart finally stopped beating
The peaceful snow slowly setting in
The pearlescent moonlight glimmering brightly on the translucence of my skin
The starlight reflected in the deep green ocean of my eyes
Red snowflakes making their death plunge to my outstretched hand
Where were you?
The tattered remnants of my heart, lies within you
The ghost of what could have been, what should have been
Between you and I, and her
I will forever be the one you regret never having
The biggest inconvenience of all, the one in black
Blacker than coal, redder than blood, whiter than snow
The biggest inconvenience is the ghost between us
With magnetic eyes that lure you in
The eyes of the deepest darkest ocean that want nothing more than your desire, your love
If you could only see that my heart burns like the sun
That I want to cut through my skin
As our flesh becomes one
Please forgive me for being the darkest burning star
Our love is forbidden because it is denied
But I will fight to the bitter end for you, my one true love
Even if it means sucking the soul from my body
Our love is nothing more than a simmer, but soon it will be a volcano
No longer will the clouds of ashes linger above us
For rainbows will paint the sky and over our hearts
You have plucked me from obscurity, where no one else dared to venture
If you could only see me, pick me, your darkest burning star
Choose me.
Love me.
Leave out all the rest.
-Traci Cooper
This was written at the climax of my sanity, where every string of my emotions all lead to the same thing: him. And it will forever be that way. Thankfully, there is a happy ending to this story. One that does not involve me drowning in a river under the shadow of a million stars. But instead, simply ends the way every happy ending should: with a beginning.
Anyway...I have been up and down lately. Life is always giving me the shit end of the stick, and it got to the point where I wanted to start my own knife collection (and still do sorta) which isn't really a bad thing, just a little different, even for me. It's alright to have a fascination with knives and fire, but once you start playing with them, the consequences could be dire. especially given how ridiculously clumsy i am.
The Darkest Burning Star (revised)
On this cold evening, my heart burns like the sun
Under the blue velvet gaze of the stars, nothing else matters
Love becomes hate
And truth becomes lies
My mind is upside down, dazed and confused
One night will burn forever between us, but there is more...
The sharp knife of forbidden love is potent in the air
For I will always be the shadow and the smoke in your eyes,
The one who lingers blindly in the middle
The dark mistress that comes between you and your love
I am the ghost between you and her
I want to snatch you like a thief in the night,
But I will forever be your darkest burning star, faulted and alone.
Where were you when I cried?
My sobs waking the darkness, piercing the silence
My body in endless whimpers
Where were you when I screamed?
My piercing sounds echoing from the thorny maze of tree branches
The deadly cry of my repentance, my sorrow, my mercy
Where were you when I bled?
The crimson rivers flowing from my deepest wounds
From every pore a drop of blood
Your love, your lies, sharper than a double edged sword
Leaving my heart in bloody shreds
Where were you when I died?
The moment my heart finally stopped beating
The peaceful snow slowly setting in
The pearlescent moonlight glimmering brightly on the translucence of my skin
The starlight reflected in the deep green ocean of my eyes
Red snowflakes making their death plunge to my outstretched hand
Where were you?
The tattered remnants of my heart, lies within you
The ghost of what could have been, what should have been
Between you and I, and her
I will forever be the one you regret never having
The biggest inconvenience of all, the one in black
Blacker than coal, redder than blood, whiter than snow
The biggest inconvenience is the ghost between us
With magnetic eyes that lure you in
The eyes of the deepest darkest ocean that want nothing more than your desire, your love
If you could only see that my heart burns like the sun
That I want to cut through my skin
As our flesh becomes one
Please forgive me for being the darkest burning star
Our love is forbidden because it is denied
But I will fight to the bitter end for you, my one true love
Even if it means sucking the soul from my body
Our love is nothing more than a simmer, but soon it will be a volcano
No longer will the clouds of ashes linger above us
For rainbows will paint the sky and over our hearts
You have plucked me from obscurity, where no one else dared to venture
If you could only see me, pick me, your darkest burning star
Choose me.
Love me.
Leave out all the rest.
-Traci Cooper
This was written at the climax of my sanity, where every string of my emotions all lead to the same thing: him. And it will forever be that way. Thankfully, there is a happy ending to this story. One that does not involve me drowning in a river under the shadow of a million stars. But instead, simply ends the way every happy ending should: with a beginning.
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